As it is I’ve been almost a month clean from SI, but every time I look at one of my tools I feel so drawn to it.
Today I was cleaning out my closet and found tools. And even though I’m clean, and feel good about being clean, really really want to SI.
And now I sit and through my mind there flash all these reasons that I can use, that would justify me self harming, that would make it okay if I relapse, and the thing is that I KNOW that nothing justify it.
The worst part is…. Soon I’ll be going back to college and I know that all my depressed feelings will start up again..
I mean.. I have bipolar disorder and cynical depression. I’m on a very high dosage of meds, but.. at college it slips my mind to take them. And even when I’m on them, I’m not allowed to have even a single drink cause they balance the meds out so I might as well not be on any meds and I just feel so low all the time..
Oh great, my mind is telling me now that I can use that as a reason to SI..
I just wish that I never picked up that tool for the first time 5 years ago… I just want to be a normal teenager.
I really really regret it.
I’m not sure if I can beat this addiction…