I haven’t SI’d in, I don’t know how long actually. I just know that I think I stopped somewhere around February. I stopped caring about SI, but here I am, struggling as we speak.

A lot has happened that I feel that I have to keep to myself. My mom recently told me that my biological father, who passed away when I was three, had another child before me. A boy. I can’t tell anyone, but I’ve only told two people, my counselor and my best friend. I can’t believe it. There is a piece of me missing somewhere out there and I have no information to go looking for him. I’m not allowed to go looking for him either, even if I had information, because I am not supposed to know. Whatsoever. My father didn’t want me to know, neither did my step-father. My little sister still has no clue. I want to know so much. What if he’s hearing impaired like me, then maybe, I could connect with him. Finally to be able to connect with someone on that level that could actually relate. What if he SI’s/d or what if he has bipolar like me. What if he has curly hair like my dad? What if he has blue eyes? What if?

Not to mention that, I’m going off to college in the fall and I am more than terrified. My whole life will turn upside down. I will know no one and everything will be different; harder. I can’t picture myself making it there. Years ago, I highly doubted that I would be alive to see the day that I turn 16, let alone graduate. Life is drastically changing, all the while, maintaining sobriety and mental health. I hope I can handle it.

I currently see a counselor and I have been seeing her for four years now, but she’s a youth counselor. That meaning that once I go off to college, she can’t be my counselor anymore. I can’t imagine not being in counseling, especially with the facts that I’m still struggling. The school provides counseling, but I’ve never had another counselor besides my current one. How will I adjust and learn to trust another person with all of my personal issues?

With Bipolar Disorder, you have ups and downs. They can be drastic and dramatic. Like a roller-coaster. I take medication and have been on medication for four years now. I am stable, but there are still moments, moments where after having a great time, everything is dark. I’m having that right now and that’s why I’m struggling with staying away from SI. I can get myself out of this, but there is something inside of me that doesn’t want to put effort into staying away. There is something inside of me that wants to go back to SI, just to remember and remind. Remember the feeling. Remind me why I want to be clean in the first place.

A lot has happened and I’m not sure how to take it all in. Not without SI, that is.