Today I’ve been sober and SI free for 6 months! This is the longest time I’ve gone without SI in the last 4 years since I picked up the behavior again. I remember very clearly how it went last time I SI’ed. The next morning I had to confess to my AA sponsor and she asked to see, out of concern. I was so ashamed. I let her look but I couldn’t look myself. I don’t want to feel like that again. I am accountable to too many people now, for my consciounce I have no choice but to be honest about it. I help others with it also, that helps to keep myself in check. But in the moment, when I’m overwhelmed, sad, angry, or feeling numb-it’s always my first thought and the urge comes immediately. I wonder if it will always be my first thought. Every time I don’t act on it , it seems the intensity last for a shorter amount of time the next time. Self injury, pills, a drink-first thoughts, EVERY time. If I think about NEVER doing it again I get very sad and nervous. So I just have to not do it today, that’s all.