I’m so so done with this house. I HATE it. I’ve slept at two different peoples houses this weekend. A big wolf spider crawled up over the side of my bed about half an inch from my face on Friday night and I freaked out. Like full blown hyperventilating freak out. This may sound silly but I don’t care-I was about two seconds from running to grab a tool anything from anywhere and use it. So close in fact that I don’t know what stopped me. I still feel that way right now, and yesterday and it’s running through my mind. I just feel kinda like I need a break, like something has to give and it seems a quick easy way to get immediate release but it just won’t work…probably. Part of me really wants to try it out and see, maybe because I haven’t done it in a while it will go back to the beggining when it worked. I think I know that isn’t true-just like in AA when they say you go back to where you left off-I’d imagine its the same with self injury. But I do really want relief. The remorse and shame aren’t worth the minutes of distraction and release and calm. I don’t even think I’m thinking clearly. It’s hot in my house and in my car and outside and I feel like its choking me and making me feel fuzzy in my head. More than I already do. The hot air in Florida is so thick and smothering. I feel like I’m going to explode inside and out and I want to crawl into a dark cold cave and live there. With my dogs. They will keep me company and love me.