I’m so grateful to have this space to hold how I’m feeling. I feel unsteady. Need to be held/contained. I am grateful and relieved that I know I will se my therapist tomorrow. I think I should write him a letter. I need to figure out how to connect from the spot in me that is so willfully insisting that I just cannot go on. Everything is more integrated now and it’s confusing to me. I can’t free-fall, tumble into misery- I don’t quite feel able to injure myself- I just feel too responsible for my safety and I don’t like that feeling of responsibility. It’s new. I’d like to let go and clean up the mess later. Part of me is trying really, really hard to talk me into it. My thoughts try and tell me I cannot tolerate living without hurting myself but that just isn’t true. Holding onto both ways of thinking is confusing- I generally only do one at a time. I’m thinking a lot of interconnectedness- that “my” life isn’t really mine- it belongs to all of life or to God and is not mine to destruct. -then the sort of thinking like if what I was talking about was money that I just don’t have enough- I feel bankrupt- so no matter how much I want to be contribute positively and not contribute destruction I just can’t keep holding on by such a thin thread. I find my scars soothing as much as I find them shameful- I have been injury free for a long time but I know amazing it would feel to have the sense of control and just to be able to see how I feel. I thinking of being told to try holding ice or snap a rubber band- the idea makes me so angry- what I want isn’t to feel a strong sensation- what I want is destruction- I raging want to do damage. I want to punish myself into being good. Punish myself into having more money. Punish myself for my shame. But I know that those technics do not work- and that isn’t some theoretical knowledge- I know very, very well because I have tried them- they only make the mess bigger, the problems harder, interfere with work and relationships- lead to isolation. It is a decision and it is the wrong decision. But on the deepest, gut level it just feels like it would be so safe, so right, so true, so in-line with everything that is real. I know I can keep myself safe enough until I see my therapist tomorrow and that he can help from there. I have 15 hours between now and then I can sleep through at least half of those. I know all of the dbt skills so well. I can act opposite, I can distract myself, I can pet my dog. I arranged some social time today and tomorrow and wednesday. I am motivated not to injure by guilt- and i mostly want to get angry at the guilt and do it anyway. I need better motivation. Maybe I should talk about sources of my fearfulness – I don’t really want to do that here but remembering that emotions do not fall from the sky- there are reasons I feel the way I do is a tad bit soothing. I don’t know…. I really don’t want to be miserable.