Here I go again, it’s like someone hit the replay button and I’m back to square 1, right back at the beginning. I’m really feeling down right now. I don’t understand how I’ve once again managed to flip from just fine to mega-depressed. I don’t understand why it happens like this; being fine then being so depressed that I just want everything to end. It makes it impossible for me to explain it to anyone. How do you explain anything to anyone when you yourself can’t even figure it out? Even if I knew what was going on I doubt I’d be able to tell anyone anyways. I’m paralyzed with uncertainty when it comes to talking about SI with anyone. I completely freeze up and can’t say anything … then afterwards I typically find out that I was doing some minor form of SI during the entire situation. I want help, I mean I don’t want to SI forever but when it comes to being in a situation that gives me the ability to talk about it or to reach out for help I completely shut down and can’t say anything all I can do is relapse later because of it. I just want this to be done. I’m tired of always having the nagging urge to SI. I can’t picture life without it but I know that I don’t want to be stuck in its clutches forever. I think if I could shake the mega mood swings that I might be able to have a chance of quitting … but I can’t shake them. I can’t really do anything right … (sigh) it seems like I’m just rambling but I can’t figure out how to express anything, I guess that’s why I keep it bottled up; I can’t say anything that makes sense so I just don’t say anything at all.