I have rats in my house. My girlfriend seems to think I need to ask my parents for money. We’ve spent all of the money we had paying rent and deposit and pet deposits and we couldn’t afford to move if we HAD to. I’m not asking my parents for money. They’ve bailed me out enough times. I’m still paying my dad back for fixing my car when I went to treatment. I hate this. I don’t know what to do. It’s not even about the rats, it’s everything , moving into this house was a big mistake and I wish I could go back. I woke up at 4 am and had an anxiety attack, just woke up scared and off and dizzy from the medicine and it started happening. I just had to lay down and ride it out and eventually I fell back asleep. I feel emotionally drained. Like my emotions have been so strong and negative it’s weighing on me, especially after last night in my head. I feel like I can’t take one more second of external anything because every little thing hurts too much. I am really concerned about what’s going on with me. I feel ambushed by myself. I have a pill the doctor told me to take when I feel like hurting myself, when I see the images in my mind. I don’t want to though. I don’t want to be a medicated zombie feeling nothing at all. At the same time I feel kind of like that already. I feel nothing until I feel everything and back and forth. Why can’t I find the middle ground? I’m just exhausted and dizzy and spacey and nervous and I want to stay in bed forever. There is a tropical storm passing through, it’s been windy and rainy all last night and today and tonight.  If I didn’t live in a bad neighborhood I would go outside and stand in the wind and the rain and see if that would help. I have my stuffed elephant and my therapy rock and that helped me fall asleep last night.