My partner and I decided to spend some much needed time together tonight. We ordered pizza and laid in bed to watch the series finale of smallville. Simple right ? The show hadn’t even started and the wheels were rolling. ALL I could and can think about is drinking again. I used to drink often during nights like this, I’d sneak out of the bedroom and get more and more. The part that is hard for me to keep a hold on is that after that part and after she fell asleep, I’d go drink more and alone and by the end of the night more times than not I’d be laying on the floor hurting myself. I’d do it as punishment for what a terrible, pathetic, waste of a life I was. That’s the reason I can’t keep drinking, I almost always SI. I was miserable and I have scars I that are proof of those nights-such a physical reminder and still it’s hard to remember. I feel almost in pain right now, like SO uncomfortable. I feel like I absolutely cannot sit here one more minute in my own skin, in my racing mind, in this bed, in this house, anywhere. I know alcohol and SI are not my solution, I know where it will take me, I know those dark places too well and it scares me to be tempted to go back there but I am so tempted. I am all whacky feeling from this medication being increased so much so fast. Nothing out of the ordinary is going on, I’m just so uncomfortable not having the things I used to use to comfort myself.
Dear barista.steph,
I don’t know you but I know that you are worth something. I believe that everyone was put on this earth for a reason and it is important that everyone finds their purpose.
SI addiction and the addiction of other things like alcohol are common. Bad experiences and trauma many times are what lead to SI. If you really want to stop both SI and alcohol intake you have to find the strength to fight. You need strength to combat and move on from your past. Learn to forgive those that have hurt you and to forgive yourself.
When you said “Nothing out of the ordinary is going on, I’m just so uncomfortable not having the things I used to use to comfort myself.” I totally understand how you feel when my bad comforts were taken away I felt naked, uncomfortable, urges, and my mind would race thinking about it. Then the time came where I chose to STOP, and I’m now a year clean. You learn a lot about yourself find hobbies you enjoy and your life is more positive.
Find ways to show random acts of kindness towards yourself and when times get hard try hard to find that inner strength to fight off the urge.
Best of Luck
Peace&Love
AmorLaVida3