My partner and I decided to spend some much needed time together tonight. We ordered pizza and laid in bed to watch the series finale of smallville. Simple right ? The show hadn’t even started and the wheels were rolling. ALL I could and can think about is drinking again. I used to drink often during nights like this, I’d sneak out of the bedroom and get more and more. The part that is hard for me to keep a hold on is that after that part and after she fell asleep, I’d go drink more and alone and by the end of the night more times than not I’d be laying on the floor hurting myself. I’d do it as punishment for what a terrible, pathetic, waste of a life I was. That’s the reason I can’t keep drinking, I almost always SI. I was miserable and I have scars I that are proof of those nights-such a physical reminder and still it’s hard to remember. I feel almost in pain right now, like SO uncomfortable. I feel like I absolutely cannot sit here one more minute in my own skin, in my racing mind, in this bed, in this house, anywhere. I know alcohol and SI are not my solution, I know where it will take me, I know those dark places too well and it scares me to be tempted to go back there but I am so tempted. I am all whacky feeling from this medication being increased so much so fast. Nothing out of the ordinary is going on, I’m just so uncomfortable not having the things I used to use to comfort myself.