Thank you mom, for ruining my day.
Thank you for making me hate my life and all of my actions today. Thank you for ruining a perfect day that for once I got to relax. The one day I dont work late. The one day I dont have to worry about anyone else but me, and what do you do?? You make me hate myself. Make me feel selfish for going shopping to take a mental health day for myself. You ruin my fantastic mood and now I si-ed when I promised I would never si because of someone else. Thanks mom, for ruining my life, like you always have.
I wish I didnt crumble so quickly. But it took every once of strength to not SI when I was driving home. it took so much control. I had to literally breathe out loud to get calm enough so I could drive home again. Why is it always my fault?? I do everything they always need. Anything I get asked of I do. And the ONE day, I take for myself, and not even a whole day!!! I got off work at 2:30!! I get home now to SI and feel worse about myself?! Like for a mom, shes doing a pretty lousy job. I have never met anyone as selfish as my mother. Everything is about her, and god forbid anyone enjoy their day. I dont even know how to explain it. I just want to cry, but I cant. I chose to SI instead, and I finally feel calm, which stinks. Because I didnt want to Si. I wanted to calm down enough to not si. but thanks to my wonderful mother, here I am. At least my mind is at its normal pace again. I can think at least. I can breathe again. I can go on a try to finish my day and still salvage it.
Thanks mom, for making me feel like a ten year old child who stole a cookie from the cookie jar, not the 23 year old full time student, employee, and volunteer. Thanks.
Dear Perfectlyhidden,
I want you to know that I feel for you. I feel for you about the no t so “perfect” relationship you have with your mother and I feel for you on your disappointment of SIing, but Do Not Beat Yourself Up For It.
It seems to me that you feel you deserve more respect from your mother than what she gives because you are not some “bum” 23 year old you are actually doing something with your life.
With this fight to stop SI sometimes/many times there will be a relapse but all you can do is get back up and be stronger than before. SI is a crazy addiction that embeds in our minds and anything big or small can trigger and impulse to wanting to SI. I am just recently a year clean and it really is the greatest feeling and you learn so much about yourself in the journey. This is not to criticize you at all, but I see that you blame your mom for bringing up the urge and what you did to yourself. In which I was totally the same way. But you got to find the strength to recognize what it is that is hurting you and turn it into something good. Meaning, if your mom makes you feel worthless once again tell yourself “I am not worthless what I did today was not wrong I did good today and I’m going to continue to treat myself the way that I deserve to be treated.”
Putting the blame all on your mom is not going to make the situation better. You have to channel into how YOU are feeling on the inside not who/what’s happening on the outside. Then change your mind set get out of that dark and angry place because you have control over that.
Keep treating yourself to special things from time to time because it’s a good thing to do. Tell yourself that you are a Beautiful, Hardworking, Loving, deserving of SELF-Respect and respect from others. Write that down if you have to and keep reminding yourself of that.
You are strong just keep pushing.
Peace&Love
AmorLaVida3