I am having a really hard time. In the alcoholics anonymous book it calls alcohol “cunning,baffling, and powerful”. I feel out of control. I haven’t acted out on it but I’m scared I will. I’ve been feeling “off” for a few weeks. I’m fighting off old thoughts that I’m stupid, I’m ugly,etc. I thought about hurting myself today. But in my head I went into detail. As I’m thinking these things there are flags and buzzers going off in my head telling me to STOP thinking about it. I felt sinful almost in how I let the images come into my mind. I was romantizing about it. I got chills thinking of how it would feel. I got the sensation of being numb and just doing it. I even went so far as to prepare a tool to use. After work I drove to the liquor store, the buzzers and flags going off and then just silence. Nothing. I could walk in and just get it over with. I got chills pulling into the parking lot. The same chills I got when thinking about hurting myself. Chills of excitment and fear. It wasn’t just physical chills, it’s a full body sesation. A big rush of excitement and fear running up from my toes to my brain and back down. It felt great and terrible. I feel like “giving in” to the SI, I really do. I think I feel nothing, but it can’t be nothing because I feel scared. Like an impending doom kind of scared.