I feel unable to deal with things in my life right now. I’m “sitting on my hands”. Well, I was a few hours ago. Nothing especially new is going on in my life. The usual chaos of my home life and my partner. The same financial struggles. I just seem less able to handle it as I have been. I AM handling it, I haven’t acted on my impulses-but something is so off with me. I don’t understand-I’m going to recovery meetings, I’m reading the literature, I’m calling at least one and usually two other people in recovery every day, I’m in very regular contact with my therapist and I see her weekly, I’m taking my meds as prescribed…why do I still feel like this!?! My mind is all blurry and I cant focus. I carried around a tool the last couple hours for comfort, I don’t know that I had any intention of using it, I’m not sure. I took a nap with it. This is so twisted. I took a nap with my tool in my hand. I usually sleep cuddling with a pillow or a stuffed elephant my AA sponsor gave me…but I took a nap with a self injury tool. It comforted me, but I woke up not too long ago and realized I was still holding it, I feel a little more like myself since I woke up. I put the tool away and the urges have passed. I still don’t understand how “normal” people just sit in their feelings and don’t do something unhealthy to make it go away. Every minute I sit in my uncomfortableness, in my blurry overwhelmed mind, it’s painful. It is going against what feels like I am supposed to do. It’s so unnatural feeling to NOT hurt myself. I hope this all pays off in the long run. I hope I’m not always struggling back and forth and up and down like this. My mind is screaming ” I can’t do this!!!!!”. For tonight I am safe, I’m going to try to sleep again. With my stuffed elephant instead. I’m feeling pretty hopeless and concerned. I’m also feeling like its a miracle every day that I don’t drink or SI.