Im 19 years old and im married. I cheated on my husband for awhile. I was a dancer so i could get money because we needed the money. I thought i was in love with another guy for a long time but recently realized it was all a fantasy and that i really dont love him. i did a couple physical things with guys and was talking to other guys for awhile. Now that my husband knows about it, hes making me miserable even though I already am miserable. Almost everyday he hurts me physically and emotionally. He backs his actions up by saying i hurt him way more by me cheating on him. I love my husband so much and I know he doesnt mean to hurt me. Hes just so hurt himself. But I dont want to leave him because I know that once I do, I will no longer be happy ever again. We have our good times alot. But it still gets bad. Now Im just to the point where I want to give up.  Im scared of dying. So I dont know how I would even do this. But im so miserable that self harm is all I do now. I have to hide my scars everyday at work. And its getting harder and harder to do. i cant stop breaking down and crying to the point where everyone sees it. Im scared of losing him so I take what he throws at me. Because I think I deserve it. What do I do?