So…I really want to SI right now. Like really really badly. And the reason is so stupid! Gosh…

I dated this guy last fall…and even thought I’m 19, he was my first boyfriend. He gave me my first kiss. We never went far in our physical relationship, but I told him EVERYTHING about me. I felt obligated to…like he should know that he’s dating someone who gets very depressed and hurts herself…but is in recovery. So I told him and he was very supportive.

We broke up after dating for a month and a half because he thought we were getting “too serious” when we definitely weren’t. It was absurd and it didn’t make sense to me. I was torn up about it for a while. What was confusing was that he flirted with me still…ALL THE TIME. And if I was having the urge late at night…like I am now…he’d drop everything to help me. He’d sit with me as I cried and even cry with me…no one has ever cried with me! I liked him so much…if it wasn’t so short of a time period I would say that I fell in love with him. But I am not saying for the sake of my own sanity.

Anywho…eventually he became a jerk and started ignoring me, or shushing me when I talked…then he asked out one of my closest friends and future roommates.

I still have feelings for this guy…and I hate it! I see that he is talking to all these girls from our department at school and it kills me because he hasn’t even tried to contact me this summer. He sent one girl a care package!! I mean…we were fine after we broke up. I never made him do anything he didn’t want to. The one time I went clubbing, he asked to go with me.

It hurts so bad…I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Why does this always happen? I find the one new person who ends up being the most popular and ditching me. I hate it. And I hate that I can’t figure out why I’m always left in the dust.

Part of me wishes I never met him. He is forever in my past as my first boyfriend (who came home with me for thanksgiving and met my family and all my church friends…even though he already knew he wanted to break up with me) and as my first kiss. I mean I can never just pretend he doesn’t exist. Plus we will have classes together for the rest of my college career and he has already dated one of my close friends.

I can’t handle it. I just can’t. Why does self injury seem like a good idea right now?

OH and one really random thing that has nothing to do with anything I’ve just said…I watch the show Pretty Little Liars…and today they had self injury blatantly shown on the show! SOOOOOOOOO TRIGGERING! It was awful! Maybe that’s why I’m so on edge and have SI on my mind.

Alright, I’ve talked enough…I just don’t know what to do anymore. Why did I have to meet my ex? I’m so angry with myself and I can’t even figure out what for. I’m just angry at myself for just being me!