So I gave in, and it kind of happened on accident. I was looking for some medicine and found a tool in my nightstand I had forgotten about. I was just looking at it for a little bit, then before I knew it I had Si-ed. I mean its been a little while since I Si-ed. I stopped counting days because I feel like I kept counting days and I felt like such a failure when I lost all those days without SI. I find my SI increases when I try to get my weight under control. By all means I have a bunch of weight to lose, but when I start to become more healthy and excercise more, I find that the urge to SI increases so much. It shoots right up and I want to SI after every work out….or everyday I dont work out. I feel guilty that I am doing everything wrong. Like Im this huge person who is a failure. I dont have any sort of body dis-morphia by any means, I know what size I am, I see what the size tag says, I see what the scale says and I dont see anyone bigger than that. But some days I feel good, like who cares? Im a bigger size so what? Other days I feel like I dont fit in anywhere. Like Im this morbidly obese person. Some days the mirror is nice to me, and surprisingly those are the days I feel like I want to SI. Like I dont derseve to feel attractive. I dont know why. Like I always should be the size I am and just give up. On the other hand, I feel like I could lose all this weight, reach a healthy size and it wouldnt matter because Im covered in scars. As if the weight is a shield to my scars. If Im bigger, no one wants to look at me, but when I get more healthy, people will just notice the scars, not the person I am. I feel like this is an irrational fear, but its still there. Its constantly on my mind and it makes me less motivated to do anything. I feel like I cant tell anyone this but this website…and Im probably depressing to listen to, but sometimes I just need to tell someone. I try telling my close friends, I get one word replies or I get “Im sorry 🙁 ” and thats all. Like I dont want them to say that! I want them to say “Why do you feel like this” or something like they care. But then I know they care. Its my own fault. Im the one who thinks into it too much. Ive been thinking of reaching out to another friend who knows of my past with self injury, but doesnt know its something I still struggle with. So I dont know if I want to put it all out there. Idk. I feel like I have control, but at times I feel so out of control I just want to si or just curl up in a ball and not move, but of course, my life doesnt allow that, simply because I dont have time. I dont have time to do anything, let alone fall apart. Si is keeping me together. Well the thoughts of SI. The want for it, and the knowledge its there I guess. I dont know. I know these are not healthy thoughts in any way, but I just need them out for now.