I had a conversation with my friend the other day and it made me think about a lot of things. She recently found out I S.I. and she asked me why I do it. The weird thing was, I had no answer. At first I thought I used it as a replacement because of no longer using drugs and alcohol. But as I started thinking more, I think it’s because I’m longing to feel something. It’s been so long since I’ve felt loved, felt worthy. It’s much easier to show myself pain than love, so I inflict pain on myself. Some people have a drink a day to feel different, I just S.I. Is it the same thing or totally different?
I used to be so motivated to stop. I’ve had periods in my life where I have gone a year without S.I. But lately I struggle day to day. Nothing really triggers it, no major changes have gone on, I just feel like there’s no reason not to do it. I feel I have it under control, I know how to hide it from those who know. It’s easy to paste on that happy face and tell everyone things are fine. But when I’m home by myself and I can’t sleep, my thoughts run wild. I’m not sure if anyone/anything could really make me stop. I think that S.I. is related to addiciton. When someone is addicted to something, if they don’t want to stop using/don’t feel like they need to stop, they probably won’t. I realize I’m the only one who can stop my destructive ways, I’ll have to find that strength inside me and sometimes that scares me. How can you convince yourself to be stronger than you think you can be?