well last night was a disaster. i was at a party (big surprise) and so much happened that i swore wasn’t going to. i slept with a person i’d just met that day, who’s seven years older than me. i didn’t want to, but like usual went along with it anyway. at least he was a nice guy because he stopped when i started to cry. i tried not to but i couldn’t control it, i just felt really afraid of him/ what was happening at that moment. i got out of the tent directly after (we were camping) and continued to party, hoping it would make me forget what had happened and how disgusted i felt with myself. then another boy, who’s been a good friend of mine for a while, convinced me to go off into the woods and do things with him too. just to be clear, no one forced me to do anything, but i guess they took advantage of me? i’m not sure if that’s right either though. the point is it isn’t their fault but like usual i felt powerless and unable to say no. the first boy left early because he was upset by the way i acted, like he had done something wrong. which i felt really guilty about too. i don’t understand why i can’t ever stand up for myself in those situations. thinking about giving in to si to get my mind off this whole mess.
Some people think there are only a few ways to self injure. Have you ever thought about the fact that there are actually many ways? And sometimes, it doesn’t involve any tools – but can be more about the way someone puts themself in a situation that is unsafe. Like walking in a dangerous part of town, or being with people who may hurt you. It sounds to me like you’re in a lot of pain, and you’re doing everything you can to try and fix it.
Please know, I’m not judging you – just pointing out that all the things you are describing, sound like another way you hurt yourself. I’m sorry that neither of those guys could figure that out and stop themselves. That’s lousy and wrong. It sounds like it was scary too.
I hope you’ll reach out for help and talk to someone (an adult if you’re not an adult) face-to-face. Tell them you’re hurting and needs some help. You don’t have to go through this alone. And I’m so glad you had the courage to share this here – I know that took guts. Thank you.
Best wishes to you, Pam