well last night was a disaster. i was at a party (big surprise) and so much happened that i swore wasn’t going to. i slept with a person i’d just met that day, who’s seven years older than me. i didn’t want to, but like usual went along with it anyway. at least he was a nice guy because he stopped when i started to cry. i tried not to but i couldn’t control it, i just felt really afraid of him/ what was happening at that moment. i got out of the tent directly after (we were camping) and continued to party, hoping it would make me forget what had happened and how disgusted i felt with myself. then another boy, who’s been a good friend of mine for a while, convinced me to go off into the woods and do things with him too. just to be clear, no one forced me to do anything, but i guess they took advantage of me? i’m not sure if that’s right either though. the point is it isn’t their fault but like usual i felt powerless and unable to say no. the first boy left early because he was upset by the way i acted, like he had done something wrong. which i felt really guilty about too. i don’t understand why i can’t ever stand up for myself in those situations. thinking about giving in to si to get my mind off this whole mess.