I’m super nervous about these next two months. I am going to be living in a halfway house and going to treatment all for FREE. I will have a roommate whom I don’t know yet and be going to a couple meetings a day, plus working an internship at a local clothing store.

And even though this is all so awesome that I get to go to treatment for free (I mean that’s a blessing…that just doesn’t happen) I am still so scared. What if I relapse? What if I let everyone down? What if I disappoint God?

Self injury was my whole life last summer. It was everything to me. It was all I had. As of right now I’m 3 months SI free and it’s hard to believe how far I’ve come…and how far I could fall. My family knows now. If I relapse now, it could send our very fragile family structure over the edge. I feel like I’m the one holding us all in balance. Like all the pressure is on me. And it’s so hard not to fall under pressure.

I’m always the one saying “relapse is a part of recovery.” And I know it is. But I’m still terrified of another one. My last relapse was really bad. I can’t imagine what would happen this time.

Am I doing the right thing? Should I go to treatment? Or should I just get a normal job so I can help my parents with my college funds like a responsible adult. Just move on with  my life…if that is even possible.