I haven’t S.I. in a 5 days but I’m feeling like I need to. I don’t really know why I S.I. It began when I was 12 years old, I’m now 20. It used to be a do it once in a few months habit until it turned more. I guess I do it to release stress, to cause myself pain which I think I deserve. All the friendships I have made, have been lost. Emotionally I am all over the place and I have a really hard time putting trust in people. When I turned 18 I got a tattoo on my forearm of a heart and the words “Believe, Love, Hope.” I got it because I thought everytime I went to S.I. I would see that tattoo and stop myself but it’s so hard sometimes. It’s so hard to be strong. I’m transferring colleges in the summer and I’m extremely scared to move up to a new place, all on my own. I’m afraid of losing control.
Lately I’ve been toying with the idea of seeing a therapist. But I can’t bring myself to pick up the phone and call. I have high anxiety which has contributed to me having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I’m pretty sure I have depression. I have a hard time asking for help. I’m so used to putting on this face of everything is okay, I’ll handle it on my own. But I want to say if any of you see a therapist, I think you’re truly amazing. I think you’re so strong and an inspiration. Sometimes I think I don’t want to see a therapist because I think I’m unfixable. I’ve had these problems for so long, I feel like I’m stuck with them. How do you tell a person that you love to S.I.? That you’ve written letters for people to read when you end your life? That you’ve forgotten how it feels to be happy? I’m scared, I’m scared of all the work it will take to feel better and I’m scared of failure. But I can only imagine how great it must feel to just tell someone everything, with no fear of judging and just feeling free. That’s my hope for myself and all of you. That one day we’ll feel free, free from all our negative thoughts and just live.