I knew I wasn’t going to go through with it and hurt myself, but I took the tool and tried to do it anyway. I tried to do it but I just couldn’t. That’s a good thing I know, but I don’t even have that anymore. Like alcohol and drugs I know it won’t make me feel better. It probably wouldn’t even make me feel better for a full minute. Maybe the initial act would feel good but I know from years of experience I would immediately be filled with remorse and disappointment. I wanted to though, how can that even be possible? I just threw it across the room, I don’t want it, it’s not even tempting, I just wanted it to work. My girlfriend and I got into a big fight. I’m sitting alone in this empty apartment because she has the car and I’m scared to walk home because some people made fun of me while I was walking up the street earlier to come here. They yelled ” are you a boy or a girl? What’s wrong with you? I know you can hear me!” I didn’t turn around. This didn’t hurt my feeling per say because I do not look like a boy and I know that. I have short hair but that’s about the only thing boyish about me. It just felt like high school when I got made fun of all the time. This was two men and one woman. I hope they don’t know where I live. I am in a very bad mood. Like a rabid animal bad. I know I should just leave right now, drive for a while or something. I hate when I feel like this!!!! I don’t mean the things I say, my mouth yells faster than my brain can stop it, I can’t process it the words and the nasty attitude spews out like venom. I don’t know what’s wrong with me!!! I told my therapist I feel like I’m not taking my meds but I AM. I don’t know what to do with myself!!!
I want to say I think you’re so strong. It takes a lot of strength to want to S.I. but to realize that the outcome will not make things better in the long run. Also I think those people who made fun of you, are incredibly stupid. I hope you and your girlfriend have made up. I know how much it means to have that one person there to love and support you. You mentioned saying things that you don’t mean. Have you ever tried just writing down your thoughts? When I get upset I just start writing whatever comes into my mind. Full sentences, words and sometimes it doesn’t even make sense. But it makes me feel like I’m getting everything out. When no one is around, it helps fill that void. If you ever try it or have already, I hope it can give you a little peace.