I knew I wasn’t going to go through with it and hurt myself, but I took the tool and tried to do it anyway. I tried to do it but I just couldn’t. That’s a good thing I know, but I don’t even have that anymore. Like alcohol and drugs I know it won’t make me feel better. It probably wouldn’t even make me feel better for a full minute. Maybe the initial act would feel good but I know from years of experience I would immediately be filled with remorse and disappointment. I wanted to though, how can that even be possible? I just threw it across the room, I don’t want it, it’s not even tempting, I just wanted it to work. My girlfriend and I got into a big fight. I’m sitting alone in this empty apartment because she has the car and I’m scared to walk home because some people made fun of me while I was walking up the street earlier to come here. They yelled ” are you a boy or a girl? What’s wrong with you? I know you can hear me!” I didn’t turn around. This didn’t hurt my feeling per say because I do not look like a boy and I know that. I have short hair but that’s about the only thing boyish about me. It just felt like high school when I got made fun of all the time. This was two men and one woman. I hope they don’t know where I live. I am in a very bad mood. Like a rabid animal bad. I know I should just leave right now, drive for a while or something. I hate when I feel like this!!!! I don’t mean the things I say, my mouth yells faster than my brain can stop it, I can’t process it the words and the nasty attitude spews out like venom. I don’t know what’s wrong with me!!! I told my therapist I feel like I’m not taking my meds but I AM. I don’t know what to do with myself!!!