I’m in it right now, I’ve made up my mind I’m going to have to hurt myself if something doesn’t give today. I just feel so unstable. I feel like I’m not taking my meds-but I am! I’m up and down and yelling and crying then perfectly calm and serene. This is only at home though. My girlfriend is in the other room and just said she’s done, she’s moving out because it’s hot and there are boxes everywhere and she’s just done. I said that I ridiculous, we just take it one thing at a time and calm down and it will get done. She is driving me CRAZY. I’ve been staying above water with this situation and dealing with it while trying to maintain my own sobriety and recovery and sanity, but I don’t know if I can do it today. Writing this blog is my “pause” between my thoughts and how I will act on them. I’m just stuck. Literally I’m on my phone writing this in my bed in this 86 degree house with pets and boxes and dust and junk everywhere and I don’t know what to do next. I feel like I can’t move because everything is too big to handle. I want to lay down and cover my head with my pillow and give up. I don’t want to drink but I very much do want to injure. I can think logically like ” hurting myself is not going to make this mess go away, it’s not going to fix the ac, it’s not going to fix my car”…but it’s not working. Play the tape through-I’ll go to the apartment and be alone and injure myself, then I’ll come back home and be even more frustrated and then I’ll have to sit in my therapist office that is new and weird  next Wednesday and tell her what I did and feel ashamed and like I’ve taken 10 steps back and I’ll have to tell my girlfriend probably and she will freak out and think I’m being crazy and maybe that will hurt her and scare her I don’t know. My good friends baby is in the hospital with something very serious. He had a heart transplant a year and a half ago and now he is very sick from all the meds and I am going to see her and him this afternoon…he is such a sweet baby. That should put things into perspective for me right!? How trivial my problems right now are-It does and it doesn’t. I have to make a plan. I have to find it in myself I get up and do the next right thing whatever that is. I hope I can I’m so on edge