I don’t understand how I can feel so lonely when surrounded by so many people.
I think I come off like a jerk to most people. I feel like I come off as selfish. Only one of my friends has ever called me selfish, but there must be a reason why I am always treated like this. I’m always left out. Facebook is a huge trigger for me because I see all my “friends” talking to all of my other “friends” saying things like “I miss you! Let’s skype!” or “you’re awesome, hows your summer?” But…not me. Not even my future roommates. They post on each others walls. But I’m completely left out.
I hate myself so much. I’ve tried to hide that. I’ve tried to ignore it. I’ve told myself “No, you’re beautiful. No, you’re awesome.” I’ve had this mantra of telling myself good things but it’s not changing how I really feel. I’m ugly. I’m stupid. I have no talent. I’m a theatre major and the first time I am cast in a show I play an ugly girl. Gee, that’s great for my self esteem. I’m so excited…NO, I’M NOT.
I hate myself. But I think I hide it really well and it comes off opposite to other people. I don’t know. My best friend tells me I’m the most real person she has ever met. That I’m honest and genuine. But I find that hard to believe.
I’m so tired of fighting the urge. I’m sick of it. I went four months, then relapsed for two, and now it’s been about three months, and I’m sick of this. But everyone knows, so if I were to give in, it would only be a matter of time before everyone found out. I could hide it. I know I could. No one knows I’m still struggling every night. No one knows about the nightmares.
Maybe I just have to walk alone for a while.
I just hate feeling so lonely. It’s like being empty. And being empty makes me want to self injure. Sometimes I forget why I even wanted to stop SI in the first place.