I hate this. I am learning that if I want to be happy I do really have to want it. I won’t just magically wake up happy tomorrow morning because I said a prayer tonight. It doesn’t work that way. I actually have to put effort into feeling better. And so sometimes, I don’t want to be better. I don’t have the energy to fight.
Today, I found myself withdrawing from the people around me. When someone would ask how I am doing, I would say good. Because really if you think about it, how many people actually want to know how you are doing? I can’t think of any time in my life when someone asked me how I was doing and I when I said “horrible”, they kept the conversation going. They just stop. They might say “I’m sorry to hear that.” But most just look at me weird. Like it isn’t ok to not be ok.
Mental illness has got me on a rollercoaster ride that I never would have dreamed I would be on. Bipolar. People just say it now. Like “the weather is so bipolar” or “one minute she is happy the next she is freaking out….she is so bipolar”.
Lately, I have been wanting to scream “I AM NOT OK”. But I don’t want to have to go back into the hospital. I don’t have it in me to go through all of that again. I can’t leave my family. I can’t do that to them. They don’t deserve it. So, I stay silent. I let out my feelings on here and in my journal. But that is all. I can’t tell anyone how much I am struggling without it being blown out of proportion. I can’t do it.
At this point, I don’t know if I want to be better. I scare people when I want to be better. They see me set myself up for failure….or they freak out if I fall even once. I have had so many people walk out of my life because I am not better yet. People have prayed for me and if they don’t see the results in a week or two they give up and walk out of my life. Even the people I trusted. I don’t trust easily. If you have earned my trust, and for even one second I doubt, you are off the list.
So the list is down to zero. I trust no one. There is no one I can talk this out with. No one I can vent to. I feel alone.
But what really stinks is that I feel alone, but if someone saw even one SI mark, they would all of a sudden be on me about it. Or maybe they wouldn’t. Maybe if I started the cycle all over again, no one would say a word. They would just see me as a hopeless case. “No point in helping her. She doesn’t want help. She doesn’t want to be better.”
I actually had a “friend” say that to me. “M” is super religious. She prayed over me, spoke in tongues…all of it. And soon she stopped taking my calls, responding to my texts and my emails. She won’t even speak to me if we were in the same room. She didn’t understand why I wasn’t better yet. And so she told me, “It’s because you don’t want to be better.” And the sad part is, I called her the other day and she didn’t answer. She sent me an email instead. And all she had to say in the email was “life is sure busy, sorry I didn’t hear my phone.”
My heart hurts all over again just remembering it. I wish I could trust someone that would not run away. I can’t handle heartache, so I just don’t go there.
2 days shy of 7 months sober and SI free.
But I’m still not better.