I hate this. I am learning that if I want to be happy I do really have to want it. I won’t just magically wake up happy tomorrow morning because I said a prayer tonight. It doesn’t work that way. I actually have to put effort into feeling better. And so sometimes, I don’t want to be better. I don’t have the energy to fight.
Today, I found myself withdrawing from the people around me. When someone would ask how I am doing, I would say good. Because really if you think about it, how many people actually want to know how you are doing? I can’t think of any time in my life when someone asked me how I was doing and I when I said “horrible”, they kept the conversation going. They just stop. They might say “I’m sorry to hear that.” But most just look at me weird. Like it isn’t ok to not be ok.
Mental illness has got me on a rollercoaster ride that I never would have dreamed I would be on. Bipolar. People just say it now. Like “the weather is so bipolar” or “one minute she is happy the next she is freaking out….she is so bipolar”.
Lately, I have been wanting to scream “I AM NOT OK”. But I don’t want to have to go back into the hospital. I don’t have it in me to go through all of that again. I can’t leave my family. I can’t do that to them. They don’t deserve it. So, I stay silent. I let out my feelings on here and in my journal. But that is all. I can’t tell anyone how much I am struggling without it being blown out of proportion. I can’t do it.
At this point, I don’t know if I want to be better. I scare people when I want to be better. They see me set myself up for failure….or they freak out if I fall even once. I have had so many people walk out of my life because I am not better yet. People have prayed for me and if they don’t see the results in a week or two they give up and walk out of my life. Even the people I trusted. I don’t trust easily. If you have earned my trust, and for even one second I doubt, you are off the list.
So the list is down to zero. I trust no one. There is no one I can talk this out with. No one I can vent to. I feel alone.
But what really stinks is that I feel alone, but if someone saw even one SI mark, they would all of a sudden be on me about it. Or maybe they wouldn’t. Maybe if I started the cycle all over again, no one would say a word. They would just see me as a hopeless case. “No point in helping her. She doesn’t want help. She doesn’t want to be better.”
I actually had a “friend” say that to me. “M” is super religious. She prayed over me, spoke in tongues…all of it. And soon she stopped taking my calls, responding to my texts and my emails. She won’t even speak to me if we were in the same room. She didn’t understand why I wasn’t better yet. And so she told me, “It’s because you don’t want to be better.” And the sad part is, I called her the other day and she didn’t answer. She sent me an email instead. And all she had to say in the email was “life is sure busy, sorry I didn’t hear my phone.”
My heart hurts all over again just remembering it. I wish I could trust someone that would not run away. I can’t handle heartache, so I just don’t go there.
2 days shy of 7 months sober and SI free.
But I’m still not better.
You’re absolutely right; you have to want to get better in order to get better. But the thing is, you can’t do that alone. Even though you don’t want to put your family or friends through that, you’ll never even WANT to get better if you don’t have support.
I truly am sorry that your friends walked out on you when you needed them the most. They should know that they can’t just pray a few times and expect you to get better. Praying doesn’t magically make people better, it takes time and faith. Trust in that and pray for yourself. I don’t know what religion you are, but whatever higher power you believe in, take support from that. That is one thing you can fully trust in.
And just so you know, it is ok not to be ok <3 everyone on this blog is proof of that. Remember, you are most definitely not a hopeless case. Maybe you should try, just one more time, to talk to someone. They might not see you as a hopeless case. I know you won’t want to hear this, because you don’t want to go to the hospital, but talking to someone who really understands depression is helpfully. Have you ever talked to a therapist or counselor? They could help you learn how to want to get better, and how to feel better.
Remember, there are people who care and love you, but sometimes are just too afraid to show it. Whenever they’re not there for you, remember your faith and this blog. Stay strong, and don’t lose hope <3
Dear Pinktulips,
I full heartedly agree with what breathe_22 said:
It definitely is ok to say that you aren’t okay. At least you are being real with your emotions and not trying to mask them.
You need to find someone to help you through this process. It’s good that you are on here and writing in your journal but that can only get you so far. You need to have that physical contact of someone else helping you through is. I know you said that you don’t want to go back to the hospital because you don’t want to go through that and don’t want to leave your family. But that may be what you need because your family also doesn’t deserve someone that’s withdrawing from them and others. You may be physically there but emotionally not there for your family.
I’m not saying that you are a horrible person but you owe it to yourself and the people you care about to get better by any means necessary.
I hope you find the strength to fight this and learn to trust again and love yourself. When reading this I noticed some of your inner thinking was the voice of SI addiction speaking and altering your thinking. You don’t need to start the cycle again, you need strength to turn away from the SI past and walk towards your better self and the person that you want to be.
Peace&Love
AmorLaVida3