It’s hard for me to fathom what was going on at this time a year ago. It was the most loneliest and hardest time of my life. I was indulging in my self injury without anyone knowing. I didn’t even care. I was happy that no one knew because it gave me the freedom to do it whenever I wanted. I didn’t think that it was a problem or an addiction. I just found it as my way of coping and that it wasn’t hurting anyone else.
My life has done a complete 180 since then. My whole family knows, most of my close friends know, and I am about two and a half months SI free. I just can’t believe it was a year ago that I was in the darkest moment of my life. I was at “rock bottom”. I was suicidal and addicted to self injury in a very dangerous way. No, I never used self injury to attempt suicide. I used it to stay alive. Idk if that makes sense to anyone else, but self injury was my push to keep going. It was the only encouragement I had to stay alive at that time.
Maybe that’s why self injury is so important to me and other people and so hard to stop. It was there for us when we had nothing or no one else. It was there for us to fight those thoughts of giving up. It was there for me when I was hiding my feelings from everyone. Self injury was there for me when everyone else didn’t even care. Self injury cared.
But self injury isn’t healthy, and I know that now. But it’s just so hard not to go back to it. Yes, two and a half months is a great accomplishment, but I’ve gone four months before and fallen back into it. I fell really badly back into self injury and it was worse than it was before.
I’m literally TERRIFIED of another relapse. I’m scared I’ll end up in a hospital or worse. I’m going to an outpatient treatment program where I get to live in a house and get a job in the area but also have meetings and other kind of things to get help. I don’t even know if I want to go though. And it’s FREE. I want to pretend that I’m okay. That I’m fine. That I’m just as normal as the next person. I don’t want to have this problem. But I know that this door opened for a reason. And I have to take this opportunity. I’m just scared I’ll fail…and let everyone around me down. If I relapsed, idk if I’d tell anyone. It would be too hard to disappoint everyone. I couldn’t handle it.
Do I make any sense to anyone?