It feels strange to write again, but as I have come to realize something…I know I need an outlet. Therefore, I shall type b/c I need to. How is it fair that I have to keep things bottled up just because he (my other half) cannot handle stress well? In result who comforts me? I know the thoughts in my head are not normal. I found out what it was, self-harm. I thought it was a phase at first, but now I know it is not. The phase I thought this was when I was a freshman in high school. I was going through a lot. My parents and I were not close. Then, when I had my first boyfriend, it was great. However, no one gave me the talk, so our relationship grew a lot deeper. He felt guilty for taking my innocence; even though we were each, others first. So, he broke up with me. I felt so alone, the fact I was the middle child did not add comfort to this. My younger sibling *Ned (younger by 9 years) was practically *Delilah’s shadow. If I got in a fight with Deliilah, Ned would join in. She would physically hurt each other. My parents saw this as if I was the trouble child, and there was no reasoning with me. I felt so isolated. Everyone always said how much one of he or she would look like mom or dad, but no one said I looked like either of them. It made me feel like I was the adopted child.
I remembered the first time I injured myself. I had gotten into a fight with Delilah, loud enough that someone could have walked in to stop it. No one came. I still shared a room with her then, so I slept in the other room. There was a tool and I injured.
I did this for some time, until I told one of my closest friends then. She was so upset; she made me promise to not hurt myself again. I wrote poems instead, rather disturbing ones wishing for death. Eventually, my heart healed from a broken heart, and the thoughts of death slipped away.
Now almost five years later, the thoughts of hurting myself are screaming at me. The thoughts of death are not there though. As I have searched the internet I have found different ways to injure, but I know that, that still is not healthy.
I have only told one person, and I do not know how to tell the person I need to know or anyone else close to him. I was going to, but now I am scared. What will they say? He has things his sibling says he needs to let go of. What if his sibling b/c of that doesn’t think we should be together after almost three years?
It is so hard as I sit here after our fight. He just hurt himself shaving. I tried to help and he pushed me away. He stormed out of the bathroom, then only went back in b/c I left.
*names have been changed