I tried self harming today. I am prepared to have another emotional breakdown, but I have no idea why. I have the house to myself for the next 7 minutes to an hour, so I have enough time to break down and pull myself together- but I don’t think I’ll bother with it. I am really…. I was feeling really depressed, but I pulled on a mask and pretended to be happy for my grandmother when she called. Now that I pretended to be alright, I am just completely numb.
I’ve been able to calm myself down, but my heartbeat is still rapid. My breath is still stightly faster than usual, and I really want to try self harming again. I probably will after I post this.
Days like this make me want to curl up in the dark corner, and write, and cry, and just pretend that my mind isn’t tearing me apart. My mind just keeps on spiriling my emotions down until I crash and then force myself back up to indifferent, and then back up to “normal.” I hate myself for feeling this weak, but at least no one is around to see me like this. Not for another few minutes or hour, depending on when my mom gets back from her friends house.
I want to break down. I want to let out this tornado rolling around inside my head. I want to let everything out, and then just forget that I even felt like that. I hate this. I hate myself for making me feel like this. I hate my mind, and my emotions, and just myself in general for just wallowing in this hole.
This sounds so stupid- but I am just going to go downstairs, try not to self harm, watch a stupid comedy that will bring up my sour mood, and wait for my mom to get home so I can lock up and go to bed. That is all. Tangent, sorry.