Reality stinks. I’m just going to get it out now.
My mom and grandma were talking in the car today after we went to see some play, and I had all these sudden flashbacks that reminded me of why I self harm in the first place. The boating accident, the divorce, the people at school, the weight problem, the judgmental parents, the break downs… everything came up to the surface, and I could, and still do, feel the weight of it pushing down on me until I could just curl up in a ball and never move again.
I absolutely hate this feeling. I feel so weak, and emotional, and like I want to crush everything in my head that makes me feel like this. And the worst part is that I am completely numb. I can’t feel the cold air in the house, or my breath that is getting slightly more shallower with each passing hour, or the clothes I’m wearing, or the hair hanging in front of my face that I really need to trim back. I feel nothing, and I just want to self harm until I can feel everything around me. Hopefully my mom will just think that it’s something else instead of what I’ve done to myself.
These flashbacks are so random, and frequent, and vivid, and… they’re just overpowering. They consume my thoughts, and that is one of the reasons why I have such a horrible memory. These flashbacks take all my attention, and then I don’t remember what was going on during the flashbacks. I don’t know why they happen, but they suddenly do.
Now it’s time to hide the aftermath of my self harming. I’ll cover up, and act like my mind isn’t tearing me apart.