This is a very difficult moment. I wish I was with my therapist right now. But then if i was it would feel wasted bc I just want to sink my face into my hands and disappear. I have been standing up for myself. Been assertive in court. Asked the court for what I need. And will hurt my ex. I see all the logic of why it’s ok to assert my rights. I see that being a doormat doesn’t even keep me safe. But I have this mounting, mounting panic. And I’m scared of not being able to keep myself – the other state of mind I slip into- it’s where I want to go but I don’t want to go there. And it’s tied up with a little too much progress in therapy- too much looking at not being comfortable participating with others- a little bit of challenge from my therapist to look at our relationship. But right now I need things to go backward. I need a far off, magical figure in whom I can have faith. I don’t want a human being. Just this crumble. I feel very threatened but as long as I don’t hurt myself I am safe. And no one hurts me other than me. It doesn’t just happen and nothing can take me over and make it happen. This is the time for distraction. This will settle down on it’s own. What’s happening? I can feel how I’m physically different- my eyes are wide open. I can try to relax them. There’s a lot of muscle tension – but i let some go then another tide of…. computer games keep my hands busy. I’ll play tetris.