When I was in my teens, I just wanted my constant pain to go away.  I started to SI when I was 13.  I didn’t even know it was something that others did.  I thought I was the only one that would hurt myself just to focus on something other than my internal pain.   I didn’t realize that other people SI until I was in Walmart and my cashier had scars all over.  Then I thought to myself “why is she letting them show?  Is it even ok to do that?”  I was in shock.  Not only did I realize I wasn’t the only one, I realized people are out there showing their scars.

I self injured regularly until I was 17.  Something really good happened in my life and I felt like I could finally deal with life without self injuring.  Every once in a while I would SI just because something bad would happen.  It probably happened a half dozen times a year for a few years.

Then something horrible happened in my life…and then another horrible thing…and then another horrible thing.  I was so depressed and wouldn’t even get out of bed most days.  I was SI regularly again.  I had my “kit” and I was constantly thinking about it.  I would wait until a certain time a day, when I knew that no one would notice.

One night I decided to tell someone in hopes they could help me.  I was so honest.  I layed it all out on the table….every single detail.  And that person looked at me in disbelief and did nothing. That day I stopped trusting that person.  I had one other friend, just one.  I called her up one night, just after self injuring for the night, and she freaked.  She was so worried.  I told her I would never do it again.  But I just kept doing it.  And she stopped asking when I kept telling her I was fine.

Finally I scheduled an appointment with a counselor….just to see if it would help.  I filled out the forms before meeting with the counselor and it asked what I was there for?  I wrote depression, anxiety and (for some reason) I decided to write self injuring on it too.  It has been over a year now of going to a counselor.  I am 6 months SI free.

And now, BOOM, it is in my face again.

I was diagnosed  with bipolar.  I feel so helpless in all of it.  My medications are always changing…still trying to find the right “cocktail” to make me feel good.  I get so frustrated that all I want to do is SI….just to not deal with the stress of everything life has thrown at me.  I can’t stop thinking about it.  Even when my day is going fine.  I just can’t stop thinking about it.  I feel like I am back to the beginning of all this.  My anxiety meds are a super high dose and I am still having anxiety attacks all the time.  And all I can think is that SI makes me calmer.  I just want to scream.  I am so sick of this cycle.  Bipolar???  Really????  Like the depression, anxiety and SI wasn’t enough?  Whatever….

My counselor keeps telling to love myself.  What does that even look like?  How do you love yourself?  And now with bipolar in the mixture of everything else, I feel like I am going to lose it.  Why?  Why?  Why?