I  cant focus.  Its like I’m not motivated to do anything but sit around and do nothing.  I have five classes coming to an end in the next 4 weeks and I need to get so much done.  I have so much homework I need to do.  I know I should.  I know I can, I just dont want to.  Ive been sleeping weird, having bad dreams, weird dreams, and just not being comfortable.

So a few things I know I need to fix are:

My weight- i need to start going back to the gym.  I need to focus on my body, not anything else for a little, but its so hard with all of these classes.  Like I need a healthy body for the future Im striving for, but im being lazy.

My motivation- Im not motivated at all!! I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.  Thats all I want to do lately and it really bothers me.  I just want to spend a whole day in bed, alone, watching tv.  I dont want to have to get up, change, eat, or do anything, just be.  But I know with my upcoming schedule I dont have time for that either.

Well, I guess thats all I need to be fix really.  It sounds easy, but I just cant.  I know im rambling right now, but I just need to keep busy.

So this new guy I met, we finally went on a date.  It was great, we had alot in common, alot not in common, and definetly had a good time.  And after the date we ended up texting for three hours, so I mean, I guess thats a good sign.  But at the same time, I dont know how I can ever have a physical relationship with him.  Like, I dont even know how this is going to work.  My last relationship he knew from the begining, we were friends, plus I knew him forever, so he knew me before I si-ed and well after obviously.   But a new person? What do I DO?!  I tried talking to a friend about it but she always ignores it when I talk about Si.  Thanks BFF.  Funny how Im there for EVERYTHING, and when I freak out over this I cant tell anyone close to me.  Like, we keep talking about going to the lake together, or going swimming, but at the same time, I CANT do any of that.  I cant just show up in a tank top and say HEY! Look I SI!  I finally find a guy who wants what I want, and I cant give him what I want to.  I have to leave my guard up.  I cant ever let it down, I cant even wear a dress around this guy!  Funny enough, all of this doesnt make me want to stop si.  It just triggers me more.  whats the use right?  Hes going to see a scar.  why couldnt I have met this guy in October?  At least it would have been normal to wear sweaters, curl up under blankets, and just cover up.  But summer time? UGH.  I seriously hate summer time, without fail someone always says something about my scars over the summer, reguardless of how hard I try, of how awkward I sit, of what I wear, people notice and Im really tired of it.  But, I know ive said this before, without my scars Im nothing.  Or at least thats how I feel.

Like the girl everyone knows and loves has scars.  She is the person who is able to entertain, feed an army, and work hard in school and work.  The girl without scars doesnt exist.  I wish I knew who she would be today, because im pretty sure people wouldnt like her.