The only thing really stopping me from si-ing right now is that I dont have any tools. I threw them out before I left for vacation, and never had the time to go buy more. One part ofme wants to go to the store and buy a whole new stash of tools. The other is telling me to stay home and take a long hot shower. One side tells me I need it tonight. The other tells me im much stronger than this. That I dont need to injure to feel something good. That I am worth something. I dont want to be in a slump. I dont want to feel like I need to gain control. This isnt right. I have control. Im not out of control. Im not weak. I KNOW THIS! I know all of this. But im so tempted to go look for a tool right now. Just something little. Anything really. But I just ….dont want to be strong.. I just want to give in, take a shower, and mope around. I want to be weak. I want to break down once in a while. Its been so long since ive injured. By so long I think its been 2 months? Not even. I dont know. I stopped keeping track. All i know is its a need. A want. A habit I wish I didnt have to kick. Its been on my mind all day. I keep looking at my old scars and keep thinking I wish I could make more. At the same time Im glad I dont have more. I should be doing homework right now. Im not. Im on here. Contemplating SI. Wishing I had a tool so I wouldnt be contemplating going out and buying a new one. Maybe being home alone isnt the best idea. But I need this. I need the quiet. I need the peace of mind. I wish I could have all of this, with SI. I know I shouldnt.
I want to scream out to my best friend that I wanted to hang out longer, I wanted to tell her my real thoughts tonight, but we had dinner, and what did I do? Ask about HER day. Ask what SHE did with her boyf. Not what I needed. I didnt tell her “hey can we just go shop a little, I really have an urge right now that I need to pass.” But i cant tell her that. I cant tell her I am siting here thinking of all the great ways I can hide my SI. of all the great places I wish i could si. I cant tell her I want to go to the drugstore down the street and buy a whole arsenal of tools that Ill end up throwing away too. Why cant I be like them? Not worry what my next purchase will be. Not worry that I will go looking for tools in all of my hidden places in my room in hopes of forgetting to get rid of one. Why cant I just get over this habit?? I could keep typing, but I need to stop because Ill just keep rambling and get annoying.