The only thing really stopping me from si-ing right now is that I dont have any tools.  I threw them out before I left for vacation, and never had the time to go buy more.  One part ofme wants to go to the store and buy a whole new stash of tools.  The other is telling me to stay home and take a long hot shower.  One side tells me I need it tonight.  The other tells me im much stronger than this.  That I dont need to injure to feel something good.  That I am worth something. I dont want to be in a slump.  I dont want to feel like I need to gain control.  This isnt right.  I have control.  Im not out of control.  Im not weak. I KNOW THIS! I know all of this.  But im so tempted to go look for a tool right now.  Just something little.  Anything really.  But I just ….dont want to be strong.. I just want to give in, take a shower, and mope around.  I want to be weak.  I want to break down once in a while.  Its been so long since ive injured.  By so long I think its been 2 months? Not even. I dont know. I stopped keeping track.  All i know is its a need.  A want.  A habit I wish I didnt have to kick.  Its been on my mind all day. I keep looking at my old scars and keep thinking I wish I could make more.  At the same time Im glad I dont have more.  I should be doing homework right now.  Im not.  Im on here.  Contemplating SI. Wishing I had a tool so I wouldnt be contemplating going out and buying a new one.  Maybe being home alone isnt the best idea.  But I need this.  I need the quiet. I need the peace of mind.  I wish I could have all of this, with SI.  I know I shouldnt.

I want to scream out to my best friend that I wanted to hang out longer, I wanted to tell her my real thoughts tonight, but we had dinner, and what did I do? Ask about HER day.  Ask what SHE did with her boyf.  Not what I needed.  I didnt tell her “hey can we just go shop a little, I really have an urge right now that I need to pass.”  But i cant tell her that.  I cant tell her I am siting here thinking of all the great ways I can hide my SI.  of all the great places I wish i could si.   I cant tell her I want to go to the drugstore down the street and buy a whole arsenal of tools that Ill end up throwing away too.  Why cant I be like them?  Not worry what my next purchase will be.  Not worry that I will go looking for tools in all of my hidden places in my room in hopes of forgetting to get rid of one.  Why cant I just get over this habit??   I could keep typing, but I need to stop because Ill just keep rambling and get annoying.