Yesterday I had quite the struggle with self injury. It was terrible, that feeling of desperation, or needing relief. I haven’t felt that close to that specific form of self injury in a long time. I went through the same old routine I did for so long. Sterilization, tools, preparation to hide self injury marks after I did it, I went all out-just like the snap of a finger I slipped into that mode. I wanted relief and I wanted it asap. I didn’t end up hurting myself. I’ve just been really having a hard time with this lately. My addict/sick part of me keeps telling me that it’s the lesser of the evils and that if I’m going to do something “bad” self injury is the way to go. My mind sometimes goes back to remembering when it was my little secret, when it was my comfort, when it was my saviour, and my friend. It hasn’t been that way for years, the last few years it’s brought me no comfort, no love,nothing but emotional and physical pain and confussion. That’s how I know it’s a lie, when I can see the reality of where self injury took me, and where it takes me when I do it. It takes me to dark places, self hatred, selfishness. I can become a manipulative, lying, self centered person. I don’t want to be that person. I am starting to like who I am now. I’m not a liar, I don’t sit in self pity often anymore, I can do things I just couldn’t do before.
I am SO blessed to have the oppurtunity I’ve had with going to treatment. I have such a strong support there. I went to group today. This woman said “I have been wanting to hurt myself all day”…another girl, said the same thing and started crying. I can’t tell you how healing this group was. My therapist was running it, I knew most of the women, it was very comforting. It was the comfort I needed, to hear these women talk openly about it. I raised my hand to share and I just said everything, everything ,everything. The first words that came out of my mouth was how lonely I am. I am surrounded by people and love lately and I’m still lonely inside. Some kind of void. I’m overwhelmed. I went into the details, and into my crazy thoughts, I just opened up and spilled my guts in this perfectly safe and loving place. Basically at the end everyone made a plan for everyone to stay clean,sober,and self injury free for the rest of the day. Since I’m the only one not living there I made a plan with my therapist, and then a back up plan and I’ve made it through another trying day self injury free. I am not happy, I’m still really stressed out, all of that garbage-but I got the piece of comfort and safety I needed to get through the day and to remind me I’m not alone and I have help. Tomorrow is my 90 days sober. I am so freaked out in a good way about that. I can’t believe it’s me. I relapsed a few times with alcohol and self injury, but I was also addicted to pills and I realized today I have not had those pill in almost 9 months. Doesn’t count towards my sobriety time but it counts for sure! That is a miracle!