I can’t do this anymore. I can’t fight. I can’t win. I don’t have the energy anymore.
I am back home again where my parents know about my self injury and it’s nerve racking not knowing if or when they will bring it up. My mom will say something and like “Soo…you know…” and my heart will start pounding like she is going to bring up my self injury, but then it will be something that has nothing to do with it and I’ll just be on edge the whole time.
I don’t feel like there is any reason in not going back to self injury. I feel patronized…like people say nice things to me because they pity me and my depression. I feel like my whole family treats me differently, like I’m fragile. My little sister especially acts weird around me, calling me beautiful every time she says my name. I don’t like pity. In fact, I hate it. I feel like I’m babied as if I can break at any moment. I feel like people have started to be fake in front of me. But it doesn’t matter if people are nice or mean, I still have clinical depression and self injury is still an addiction. It makes me angrier when people treat me differently because of my self injury because I feel stupid.
I tend to blame myself for everything wrong in my life and with my family. I have a pretty blended family and I feel like it’s my fault my sister and her family barely talk to my parents. I’m such a brat, complaining about things that are really not that bad at all.
I wish I never started self injury, but I also wish I never told any one about it so I could indulge in it and not be scrutinized like I belong in a mental institution. At one point I felt like there was reason to quit, but right now I don’t.
My ex is being a tease. I went clubbing the other night–the only slightly rebellious thing I’ve done other than get a nose ring–and he asked to go with me and my friends. It ended up that me and him danced together and I could have sworn he was going to start kissing me. And I wanted him to. I don’t know why I’m still so attracted to him. It’s been months. I should be over it by now. He asked out one of my closest friends for crying out loud! But why did he invite himself and dance with me like that if he didn’t still feel something towards me? It makes me crazy just thinking about it.
My friend–who would have been considered my ‘best friend’ until recently–that I’ve known since I was ten, has completely been like a stranger to me. And so in all I’ve lost four friends this semester…and pretty much I feel like it’s because of my self injury, depression, and other stupid things about me that cause me to be just a very difficult person to be around.
I don’t blame people for not being friends with me. I wouldn’t want to be friends with me either. I hate myself so much sometimes.
It’s all I can do not to grab a tool and start self injuring right now. Please, make the urge go away. I just want to be okay. I’d give anything just to be okay.