There’s only been two serious times in my life where I felt like ending everything and I’m feeling a third. Nothing is going right. I feel like such a worthless human being. I’m trying to forget, I’m trying to be successful, and I fail miserably. This pain is too much. Maybe I’m just not meant to be happy? I stared at my favorite “escape” last night and cried myself to sleep. Why I didn’t do it, I do not know. Actually I do, my best friend. I hurt him so much the last time I SI’ed and I never want to do that again. He’s the only one that’s been there for me and makes me feel safe. I’m so scared to talk to him about this, and put him through it again. It’s so incredibly hard, when you need someone by your side and you want it so badly to be that one person that means the world to you, but it’s just not possible when they live so far away. I feel so selfish for being needy.
It sounds like it’s time to keep reaching out for help. I promise there is more than one person who is willing to support you – but you have to reach out. As much as those around you may wish they could read your mind and see how much you are hurting – they can’t.
I’m not sure how old you are, but find an adult – any adult you see as trustworthy – and tell them you are hurting. Tell them you are sad. Tell them you feel hopeless. You can tell someone at school if you go to school – teacher, school secretary, security guard; tell someone where you work, or if you go to any religious institution (church, temple, any kind) – tell someone. I promise you don’t have to do this alone, and that the hurt CAN get better.
If nothing else, call the 24/7 line 800.273.TALK – and tell them what’s going on. You can get through this time! Look – you already began reaching out by writing this post. That is great – and a very positive step. Keep reaching out.
Pam