So… last night I was having a conversation with someone who’s opinion I value/someone I respect immensely. It was UNCOMFORTABLE… but I SAT there and she kept talking and helped me through the uncomfortable. What was uncomfortable was that I was talking about something I have been scared of. Did she notice that? Hm… Not to mention, that my urges have been increasingly bothersome. I was all determined that I MUST need inpatient. This person that I respect a lot was able to help me see that maybe if we tweak a few things I might be OKAY. No she hasn’t read the book bodily harm (well parts of it), which I am going to start taking mine for a while (thinking of buying her a copy). Is that alright? Anyway, I have to give her credit, because she is trying her hardest to help me. Last night I wrote the SAFE questions in my diary and am going to try some new concepts. Things have gotten a bit repetitive and I need to change it up. Going for inpatient might be an option, but I don’t know yet. I DO know that I’m going to work really hard to maintain my SAFE time and NOT harm myself. I’m worried, because the urges are there and the thoughts are there. It’s like a chemical dependency issue the addicted person is not sober if they are merely only not using. If they are not letting change play its part and are living ‘sober’ then they really are just refraining from using and nothing more. Same rules apply here, don’t they? Point being that I did what was incredibly hard for me to do, I asked for help. I advocated for myself and IT WAS WORTH IT. This person that I’m talking about didn’t give up on me and she didn’t abandon me. She didn’t run screaming in the other direction. I didn’t know what needed to happen to remain SAFE, but she helped me figure that out. Yes the “F” word came up and I’m not talking the profanity “F” word either, but I hope that it doesn’t anymore. That is the part that scares me. Did I fail that badly? If only I knew how to make a negative thinking log. I think she wants to help, just doesn’t know very much about the SAFE program.
Last night I ended up feeling empowered and relieved. My motivation is even stronger than it was before. I got lost in the if I relapsed it would be the end of the world peice. I am not even going to think that, the dreaded “R” word. I’m going to use my alternatives, diary questions and some other concepts she came up with and stay SAFE.