This is not specifically about self injury but about recovery in general, for me includes self injury and substance abuse. I have had a lot of resentment and anger towards my mom starting roughly 7-8 years ago. I started self injuring when I was 14, stopped for a good while, then I picked up the habit again but with a lot more fear and anger when I was 17. I’ve always been angry at her for not noticing. I’ve longed in my mind for years now that she would have taken me aside and and asked me about the marks and I would have opened up to her and told her about everything going on in my head and then she would listen and tell me it was going to be ok and hug me and we’d go get a little help from a professional and she’d be by my side the whole time holding my hand. Instead she was taking too many pills and depressed and sleeping all the time. I came out to my parents as a lesbian when I was 19 and it went horribly and I was hurt too deeply. I was devestated, suicidal, depressed. Since then I’ve had memories come back from when I was a kid…memories of her leaving me alone in the night with the babies saying she was never coming back, memories of her racing semi trucks on the highway with the 4 of us in the car I was terrified, memories of her screaming at my dad, taking her seatbelt off in the car and going to open the door to jump out while my dad was driving on a highway in Texas, blocking me from the family, telling me how my girlfriend and I ruin family events, her suicide attempts, her substance abuse. These were some of the things i’ve been too angry and hurt about to let go. I’ve only been able to feel anger towards her for the last couple years.
Since I went to treatment last August, I’ve been really working on all this. I have an amazing,amazing, god given friend up north I met on this blog almost a year ago. She’s in recovery and has touched my life in ways I can’t find the words for-she is my mom’s age and gives me different perspectives on a lot of things. She mentioned something about how my mom was young when I was born and I’m a few years older than my mom was when she had me now so I can kind put myself there. I can’t imagine having a baby when I can’t even take care of myself. Life happens. I think when my friend told me that, it planted a seed. I was still very angry but it did give me a different way to think of it. On and off since then, I’ve tried to think about it but it was too painful and I couldn’t wrap my mind around any of it, I was too angry and I felt like ” I SHOULD be angry and she deserves this and I want her to know how much she’s hurt me, there is no excuse for the things she’s said and done. ” Step 4 of the many different 12 step programs out there says “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”..in that, I wrote out my resentments towards people. I talked through this with my AA sponsor, I’ve talked through it with a handful of therapist And I think I expected forgivness to happen immediately. It didn’t! After all this time of playing with the idea of forgivenss but not being able to get past the anger and hurt, last night I was just thinking about it and something in me softened just a litte bit. Still, after thinking last night a certian amount of pain came into my heart and I pushed it away. Too much again. I didn’t get much sleep last night, my girlfriend is sick and I’m sunburnt badly and so lots of tossing and turning and so I woke up exhausted and in a foul mood. I worked early today and when I was on my break at work I was just sitting down at a table alone and I felt this huge urge to self injure. I could see it happening in my mind, I could visualize it. It lasted about 15 minutes, I feel like that came out of nowhere but I’m sure it didn’t. Right after that 15 minutes I went back to work and was in the big freezer doing soemthing and the strangest thing happened. My mom popped into my head and I just went with it, let myself think about everything. It happened very quickly, I’m not exactly sure WHAT happened but I just burst into tears and cried and was able to feel it and it hurt my heart but it was ok and I just let it go. Just like that, this has been building and building and then just like that something in me has grown a little and I was ready for it and all those emotions came out and it just happened. I feel a little weight taken off my shoulders. Lately I’ve been really missing my mom, I’ve been calling more and things have been softening in me towards her for some reason. I’ve been just letting her know how much I love her and miss her lately and it’s an overwhelming love for her that I haven’t felt in a while. I have compassion and understanding now in place of anger.I needed to share that. Thanks for reading!