Empowerment IS the BEST feeling in the world. I lost my empowerment a few years ago, but I got it back, because of my boyfriend. That boy was my best friend. I’ve gone through the SAFE program on an outpatient basis w/ a counselor  I see who didn’t buy or read the book Bodily Harm. Well… she read parts of it and we discussed my SAFE assignments and impulse control logs two different times for a matters of weeks (mind you this was months apart). I’m ‘still’ struggling and I desperately DO NOT want to self-harm anymore. Today I called the 1-800 number and left a message. I’m not certain what will come of it. I have medical, I just don’t know if it would be covered. I have no job, I am in college right now. I am trying to stay empowered to use my impulse control logs, my list of alternatives and the diary questions from the SAFE book. I made it to the two year mark once of being SAFE, then now I have fifteen months and a couple weeks SAFE. I’m trying to hold onto my empowerment and the good things my boyfriend taught me. I’m just going to ‘sit’ w/ everything for now. I have counseling soon anyway, well maybe…

Motivation. That is not a factor in my struggle at all. I have the motivation, w/ every fiber of my being I want to stop. I keep thinking… “minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, counscious choice”. I have a choice to stay SAFE or… well I’m not going there. I don’t know how things got this bad. I just want help, I wish my counselor could help me through this. I know she tries and does the best she can. I just cannot shake the feeling that I’m not getting what I need. What I need is to TALK about what is bothering me and not tap dance around the topic. What I need to is take my diary w/ me and have her read some and we will talk about it. What I need is for her to ask me questions and go from there. What I need is help ‘digging’ through what I have buried. What I need is to intercept (sp?) my instinct to STUFF everything. To not let myself talk, because I don’t want to hear myself say it out loud. I don’t want a certain person to find this and read it and make things worse. I’m holding onto my empowerment with everything I’ve got. I’m not giving up, I’m going to fight.