April 1, 2012 9:23 PM
Ok here I go. I don’t want to talk to anyone other than my mom. Everyone else in the world annoys me. I feel like no matter what I do or what say, I just want to burst in tears or scream at the top of my lungs. I don’t feel ok. And this is the first time that I can say it out loud to anyone who actually cares and wants to listen. I’m not ok. I don’t feel ok. I don’t want to hear about the amazing time that my friends had on their trip to the east coast. I don’t want to hear about how moving the confirmation retreat was. I don’t want to know about the fun times and conversations my boyfriend is having with other girls. I don’t want to hear any of it. Because honestly, it’s not important to me anymore. Everything I thought was important before, isn’t anymore. It’s sad but it’s true. My life has stopped right where it was and just dropped off a cliff. I didn’t know that I could feel this much pain so fast. This much confusion. This much emptiness. I feel like no matter how many times anyone tells me “it’s going to be ok”, it’s not. Everyone told me that when my grandpa was in the hospital. They said it was going to be ok and that he was going to get out. They lied. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do at this point. I don’t know who to talk to, who to trust, who to confide in. I can’t. I don’t believe in anything or anyone right now. I’m not ok. And I don’t know how to explain that. But that’s the thing. I don’t feel the need to explain myself to anyone. I feel like I have the right to not explain myself. I feel like I can say that I’m not okay and that’s it, without the need for an explanation or for elaboration. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to see anyone. I want to sleep, and lay down. I feel like I’m loosing myself in a short time. I feel like I’m loosing my hope. How else am I supposed to feel? I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I don’t know.