Because I’ve been through so much since this year started. Luckily though, I do think I’m beginning to learn. I think so. Old lies don’t work anymore, and I feel like I’ve heard them all at this point. I really don’t think anyone can fool me anymore. It’s still been painful with everything that’s been going on but It’s good too because it’s not like it was before. I’m starting to get stronger again. I just am hoping that I’m not drawing strength from my SI…. It’s so so so wrong..but because, I’m not sure how to say this but just because I SI I guess I always think of it as a crutch for when it all gets to be too much I don’t have to be strong anymore. I can just SI. I don’t want to go back to that though. I want to get strong again with OUT SI’ing. It’s too early to say if that will happen…but so far I’ve been clean for 1 month. I don’t know how I even managed that. I really don’t haha..It kinda makes me laugh. I guess In a weird way all this pain may have also been a good distraction. Maybe. I’m just hoping I can keep getting stronger. I want to be better without wanting someone to be there for me, because right now, that’s not gonna happen. I’m gonna have to shoulder life on my own for a while. So I hope I can block out the negative and just do it.