I haven’t self harmed or written on myself all day, and I can feel the effect. My fingers are itching to do something- anything. To write, self harm, draw, type, anything at all besides just drumming along my computer screen.
I admitted something to my friend Nikki, my “lil sis” as she likes to call herself. I told her about what happened in September, and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. That’s probably why I didn’t do anything to myself today, because I opened up about my past.
For the first time in weeks, I’m not afraid of myself. I’m not depressed, or numb, or angry, or terrified. I’m how I use to be before everything fell apart. I’m just myself. Just Kellie.
I’m smiling. That in itself is a miracle. I’m smiling, and there is nothing that could take away this feeling of complete euphoria. I can’t remember a time that I’ve felt so…. I can’t even describe it. I’m not happy, or exited…. It’s more like a calm numbness with a side of blissfulness. It feels great. I’m just going to bask in this emotion until it fades and I can go downstairs and face my mom. Maybe then we can talk and not get into an argument….