today I wrote on myself to make sure that I didn’t self harm at all. My mom just barely saw what was on my hand and what was on my knees, and then she yelled at me because I can’t have the marker on me when I’m preforming tomorrow. Stupid parade. Why can’t you just get cancelled again?
I hate it when my mom yells at me because she just plain doesn’t get it. She has never been as far into the dark as I have been, and she wouldn’t get it if I told her “there are worse things to do to your body then write on it.”
Now I’m feeling suicidal again. Every once and a while I start to feel like this, but I never act on it. If I did, I’d be dead long before now. I really want to end this, but I can’t do that. It would kill my parents. No matter how much they yell at me, or complain about/to me, or boss me around, I know that if I died, it would rip them apart. God, I hate my reason for living right now.
The pen isn’t working. I haven’t said that in almost a year. I really want to self harm, but I can’t do that. Cycle into oblivion.
this morning was nice. my mom and I were getting along for a while, but as soon as I got to school, it was like all the happiness I was feeling got sucked out of me. It was like everything I looked at had some sort of triggering effect on me.
I seem to have some kind of bipolar relationship with my self harming issues. Sometimes I need to harm and other times I can just use a Sharpie and every things okay. I really hope that I don’t go father down then I already am..
Tangent sorry.