Wow I’m having a bad night in my head. I have these crazy shifts in moods that are way less intense since I’ve been on medication and sober but sometimes it happens. My girlfriend asked me what was wrong and I’ve said for the years we’ve been together ” I’m just having a bad time in my head”. This happened tonight. I guess I’m blogging about it because I feel dumb and want to share in a safe place. I went to fee my fish in the office in the back of the apartment and it was dark and I panicked…I fed my fish anyway but walking across the room to reach the light was terrifying. I had to open the door to the front yard to let my dogs out to use the bathroom and I almost couldnt open the door. I HATE this fear. I am scared of the dark. Seriously. I can’t be alone at night. But this time of the month, every month, I get extra paranoid. Paranoid like someone is watching me, hidden cameras, i see flashes of people turn around corners, things crawling on the wall, anyone near me turning into some psychotic killer with black eyes, things like this! I can’t tell anyone I’m scared to get up in the middle of the night and walk to the bathroom alone. Were this last year or the years before-this is the kind of mood I would most definitely be apt to self injure. I’m not tonight, the thought crossed my mind and then left as quick as it came, thank god. I can’t imagine how I will ever fall asleep tonight. I wonder if I will always be like this, living in fear. I used to stand in the shower as a kid paralyzed by fear of death and tragedy, I couldn’t move literally. I have always been like this and I hope there is hope for me with this issue. The difference is I’m not acting out right now…I don’t feel any better. I feel better when the sun comes up and that feels like a long time away.