As I was reading through some previous posts, I noticed that some have never made it past the eight month marker of being clean. That is so foreign to me, considering that I effortlessly got to a year and five months with a blink of an eye. Yeah, I had my difficulties in the first six months and right around my first year mark, but that is all. I started to struggle a lot before I relapsed a month ago and it was because I was battling with grief of many that I’ve lost over the seventeen years of my life. It hit me like a brick wall and I felt hopeless. I felt like the only way I could make the pain fade was to replace it with another source of pain. It worked, for a week. Now it was been three weeks since my last relapse and I’m not really struggling that much because I’m not focusing on the past. I’m focusing on my present day, every second I breath is what I focus on. I don’t know what I did differently from others that got me so far in sobriety, but all I know is that sobriety is possible if you just put your mind to it. I’m not really putting any effort into recovery right now because I simply don’t care. I have too much to think about besides SI that it is far beyond my thoughts.