So where should I start? I realize I made one of the same mistakes I get so angry at myself for making AGAIN. I was not “counting” but I got used to someone else bringing me happiness who I THOUGHT cared about me. Now I realize once again, no one cares about me. Except for God, which sometimes I really wonder why….But anyway, Not gonna make that mistake again. Since 3 weeks ago, I A. haven’t SI’d so that’s good 🙂 but I am just not in the mood for people. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want anyone trying to get to know me, or talk to me, or ask me out. I mean, what do people THINK they see in me anyway?? I’m not hot, I’m rarely pretty, I’m not “easy”, I’m still a virgin and plan on keeping it that way. I haven’t met anyone worth it. And that’s all guys want you for anyway. If you don’t give in they get impatient they’ll find someone who will- doesn’t matter if you’re friends either I found out. But whatever…….I’m okay with that though. What bothers me is: Why pretend? What’s the point in stringing someone along for your own benefit just to throw them away when you get bored? And lately? I REALLY hate it when YOU decided you want me back. And you act like I don’t deserve a say at all! I don’t understand!!! I’ve A. Been hurt SO badly by you (and others, which makes it so much worse) that you know I already can’t trust people! And B. Just when I finally am starting to move on you come creeping back in like we were just taking a break or something. I mean seriously! I hate it but I can be a really emotional person….I think of it as one of my biggest weaknesses. Because I can be uber sarcastic and even cold if I have to be, but the whole time I could be one word away from bursting into tears. I don’t know what I’d do If someone actually took a minute to sincerely hug me and hold me. I’d probably fall completely apart…. That’s why I flinch when people touch me, and I shrug out of hugs REAL fast. People would be surprised to find out what’s on your mind if they really took the time to stop and listen. Some days I’m really happy but I still want to SI and I don’t know why. It’s like it really doesn’t matter……At the end of everyday i’m still someone who Si’s and I really wonder if it’ll always be that way.. I keep getting hurt. I can’t trust anyone, I’m smiling sometimes but still depressed as ever on the inside and I want that to change so badly!! But I really don’t know how. I really don’t. People have given me a lot of good advice, and scripture to read and follow. And I know what USED to work but that’s long since changed. I would love to start just knowing how not to get hurt by my friends and people I care about though, so maybe that number of people will stop shrinking..