I’m still hurting so bad. I feel pain in my. Best and all i want to do is cry. All I want to do is crawl into a ball and cry.  It’s better than SI to. But I hate. Crying. I hate feeling the pain that’s inside my heart. I’m not over all that has happened to me I’m not ok. I want to try to be but I’m not ok. I’ve been stuck in a whole for five in a half years I’ve been in the same spot. I thought I was getting better I thought that I was learning how to heal but I guess I went way back a few steps.
I felt unloved and because on that I was a mean person. I felt like the world was against me and I still do. I felt hurt because I was the one left out I was the one nobody cared for. It was easier with just two but then she had to have two more Nd I guess I’m just mad at that. I’m mad that I lost the attention I wanted. I’m mad that when I was little and when I was hurting no one came to me and to see how I was doing no body talked to me nobody said hey it’ll be ok. Nobody cared. It was all about her about her sport about her next bf about how pretty she was about how smart she was. Then with them it was about how cute they were how nice they were. Then there me stuck in the middle. Stuck on a boat gong nowhere because I lost the map so now idk Which way is home. So I’m just sitting their floating out to sea waiting to be rescued waiting to be found. Then i see a light. But maybe it’s just an illusion! No thats another boat. A big boat. It’s heading towards me sounding it’s horn. Their are people waving their arms. To me smiling laughing. I want to go to them all. All of them who cares for me who loves me. But then the boat passes me and the light fades and I’m still there floating in there as they pass me by moving on with their lives as I stay the same. I stay grieving I stay feeling guilty I stay feeling hurt I stay feeling angry. I’m so angry. I’m so hurt and I don’t know how to get over it. I don’t want to be stuck where I am anymore I don’t want to cry all the time for the same old reasons I don’t want to injure because that’s how I handle all my feelings handle not solve.     I’m afraid that I’ll never be ok. That I’ll just keep hurting no matter how much certain ppl try to change that I’ll still be stuck floating on the ocean not going backwards but not going forwards either.