Today I have felt so… just so bad, so wrong, so terrible, so destructive, so hostile, so ruinous that… that… I don’t even know what. I am petrified to be in my own house because of all these things I have felt within in past few hours.
I got into a fight with my mom because I asked her a question and she blew it out of proportions. I was in a parade, and dealing with my partner is a pain in the neck. I did a horrendous performance at a bar/restaurant with my dance teacher and some people from our class. I did my part of the laundry, and joined another self-injury blog on a different website because it seems to be getting better yet worse at the same time. I told my mom about how this website has really helped me, and we had a huge, overly-emotional discussion about her drinking problem and how she feels like a horrible role model.
As soon as I woke up this morning, everything seems to have a triggering effect on me. The bathroom, the kitchen, my bedroom, the car, everything makes me want to hurt myself again, but I know that I have to stop. I am freaking petrified about what I may do to myself, but I know that I won’t do any of it. That’s what’s so hard about it. I won’t do any of it. If I would just do it, I would let off some steam and go on with life. Because I won’t do it, that’s what makes me want to do it more, and then I won’t do it, and that makes it worse, and it goes on in a cycle until I feel so depressed that I don’t know what I might do, that I won’t end up actually doing.
Does anyone else get it? This cycle that drives you into oblivion? This probably sounds so weird coming from a fourteen year old…