It is tearing me up that now, as a parent, I am facing self-injury again. My 13 year old stepdaughter has been SI-ing for about a year. I went through the S.A.F.E. program while it was still in Chicago in 2000. It forever changed my life and while it did not cure me (never claimed to), it did make a huge impact in my life – so much that today I am many years injury-free. However, I am am at a loss as to what to do for my stepdaughter. I feel I should obviously know how to help her, but I only know how to empathize with her. Her father believes in there being consequences for her actions (and I agree she needs to take responsibility for her actions) BUT he is taking things away from her as punishment. For instance, although she misuses it, he has taken away her iPod where she chats with friends. These friends are not healthy and some chats we’ve found to be inappropriate so of course I think limiting her chat usage is understandable. However, I also know that if we limit her freedom she will feel like we are smothering her and it could come off as us thinking she is “bad” which we do not. Her father really does not understand the inner workings of self-injury. I’m trying to get him to read Bodily Harm, but he’s having trouble being open to changing anything about his parenting style. I am scared to death for my stepdaughter. I see so much of myself in her…and that has been triggering ME! She has an 8 year old younger sister who could quite possibly follow in her footsteps one day and that frightens me, too. Can anyone direct me to a site or book specific in helping parents of teens who self-injure? My stepdaughter has been in a plethora of therapy – so much she doesn’t trust it anymore. The SAFE Expressions program is way out of our reach – both distance and especially money-wise. I feel so alone as a parent and even as that of a former teenager in turmoil. Needed to reach out to my former place of support. Thank you!
Hi –
I’m sorry things are so difficult right now. Maybe it’d help you or your husband to watch the FREE parent webinar that Wendy Lader created for parents. Here is the link to it:
http://store.selfinjury.com/products/Parents-Webinar%3A-by-Dr.-Wendy-Lader.html
Maybe that will be easier than trying to get your husband to read Bodily Harm. Your stepdaughter is lucky she has you as an ally. It’s great you are reaching out for help and support – that’s the perfect thing for her to know. We ALL need help now and then and it’s okay to ask for it.
Best wishes,
Pam
Hello Pam!
Thank you so much for your suggestion. Ironically, after posting this first post, I was looking around the SAFE site (it’s been over 10 years since I’ve come here – in fact, I’m not even sure SAFE HAD a web site in 2000!)….and, indeed, I came across Wendy’s free parents webinar. You’re right; that might be a better starter for him than Bodily Harm. I listened to some of the webinar this morning and, already, I can tell he will contest many things. He is very much into consequence-thinking. The child does something wrong, she gets a consequence. I don’t know how I can explain to him that this is not “wrong”…per say…. it is so hard to understand that she is doing a life-sustaining act….and while it is unhealthy and should be helped….we can’t condemn here for it. It is SUCH a hard place to be in. I feel my mother (who passed on 4 years ago) speaking through me sometimes as I talk to my stepdaughter and I definitely feel her helplessness and even anger. I do feel blessed that I have been through this and can at least be a SAFE (pun intended) presence for her during this horrible time. Any suggestions on how to deal with my wonderful husband – who is such a loving father….but he is very defensive and feels attacked rather easily. He has his own issues, as we all do.
Peace to you!
Your stepdaughter might listen to you if you tell her your story. Give her back her ipod, and listen. Only three of my friends know about SI-ing i do, but one yells at me and tells me to get help daily, and the other listens to me, and actually helps. She knows this habit is more than it seems, and she knows I won’t be able to hold forever. The calm one helps me the most. My ex, who I showed the scars as well, after seeing his many times, has helped so many times. Tell her she needs to have a friend to lean on as well, and never lose hope. it takes a long time to regain it.
Hello Jade, thank you so much for commenting. Sadly, I have shared with her my story. I can’t give her all the specifics of it for parent-child boundary issues….but I have told her I’ve gone through this and told her a lot. It helped in the very beginning, but now it doesn’t faze her. I’m looking into a S.A.F.E.-minded therapist here in our area.