I’ve been off work today and it’s been a great, relaxing day. I needed rest. I was walking on a beautiful walking path here that is on the Bay. I was mindlessly walking and looking at the water and I thought ” my Grandma would have LOVED this.” I didn’t get really upset, it was almost a comforting thought even though it was sad. Then I closed my eyes and could hear the water and the seagulls and it took me back to when we were kids and my Grandma used to take us to parks, and rivers, and all kinds of beautiful places and for a few seconds I felt that again. I felt like the little me. The world was not scary, I felt safe with my Grandparents, safe in the world. As fast as those memories came, they went. It was nice though, for my whole mind and body to go back like that. I haven’t felt that many times. It was peaceful. I walked on that path for a long time this morning. I got on my computer just a little bit ago to get on facebook and I went on my Mom’s page. She had a FB status update on the 11th that I missed, it was about her missing her Mom and wishing she could have gotten to have one more conversation with her…I read comments, nice comments from people who had known my Grandma over the years. Someone mentioned being able to hear her voice still and then I heard it. That was it, I started crying and missing her a lot and then my mind went to that place I try to avoid of the dying process last March. My mom wanting one more conversation-that made me remember the last two weeks of conversations I had with her as she was in the hospital. she sounded like she was in pain, but trying to pretend like she wasn’t. She’s always been like that with me, not wanting me to worry. It hurt so bad to know she’d be gone soon and I wouldn’t be able to call her every day and make her laugh. The last few days her morphine dose was up and her words were slurred and I had to move the phone away from my mouth so she wouldn’t hear me crying. I remember asking her during one of those conversations if she was scared, she said no. I don’t know where I’m going with this now that I’m a sobbing mess. Maybe where I’m going is that I can sit here today and feel it and cry and I don’t want to self injure and I don’t want to get drunk. Life isn’t a picnic right now, a lot of worries and stress going on-but I wouldn’t trade this serene feeling, this clarity in my mind, the ability to pause and think, and the knowledge that just because I have these thoughts doesn’t mean I have to act on them- this whole new mind set I have-I wouldn’t trade it for the best day I had drunk and self injuring.