I haven’t SIed in three years, but before I stopped I did it for eight. Since I stopped there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought about it. I’ve just joined S.A.F.E. because I’m starting to feel more and more like I did when I was at my worst. I’m very luckythat when I started my recovery I started telling people about myproblem (for eight years no one knew I was doing it). I don’t think I could have given it up if I hadn’t started talking about it because, for me, the more I could do it without getting caught the more I needed to do it.
Anyway, now, three years later most of my friends and family know, and they’ve all been so caring and understanding when I’ve told them. That alone has made it possible for me to stop, knowing that the people I care about most know what I am and still love me and not think of me as a freak. But still don’t have anyone to really talk to about it, because they just don’t know. And the two people who I did open up to about and talked to when I worried I would do it again ended up using what they knew to manipulate me, one even seemed to enjoy the times when I did relapse. Needless to say they’re not in my life anymore. But now I’m at a place where I’m forming new relationships and all of a sudden I can’t imagine ever being able to tell the new people in my life about, which is something I got so used to doing. On top of that I can feel my depression coming back and it’s as bad as it used to be. My thoughts about SI are becoming more and more like plans and I’m terrified I’ll start again. But the worst part is a small part of me’s looking forward to it.