I’m all over the place, up and down, side to side. My emotions always get the best of me and today is one of those days where they’re completely out of control, all over the charts. Today started out lousy because I was arguing with someone. Then when I got to school everything seemed “fine” … so nothing was terrible. Then I got home and started getting frustrated with my mom. And then the roller coaster ride began. I want it to stop. I hate feeling like I’m out of control. I hate when the emotional roller coaster ride begins. All it does is wear me down, confuse me, and typically leads to relapse. I keep saying that tomorrow I’ll stop or tomorrow I’ll get help. Why is it always tomorrow? Why not today? I’m always pushing it back, delaying the process. I feel like I’ve said it dozens of times, “tomorrow.” I’ve been here a thousand times before face down on the floor wondering how I’ve reached this place again. I keep saying that I’m ready to get my life back on track and then when faced with a decision that would get me on the road to recovery I run away, I retreat back to what’s comfortable. I’m afraid to try moving on. I can’t even get myself to try. I hate all of this so much. I just need to be mended but I don’t know what can fill the holes. I keep trying different things; different people, nothing, no one fills the holes. For awhile I’ll delude myself into thinking that it’s working, that I’m fine but deep down I know I’m not fine, it’s not working. If anything, things are getting worse. The shame grows each day. I think about how I’m supposedly making all these advancements and taking advantage of all the incredible opportunities I have before me but in reality it’s all fake. Everything about me is a lie, or so it seems. I hate living the double life; one way at school and a completely different way when by myself where my thoughts can fill my head. The thoughts in my head … sometimes I wish I could just shut myself up, make me stop thinking. I wish I could listen to the occasional nice thing said, instead I linger on all the bad things. And so the cycle begins …