I was, and am, so haunted by the day AFTER my grandma died that this whole year it’s stuck out to me more and I got the dates mixed up. I had to go back and read old emails and Facebook because I was so unsure. Today is the day my grandma died a year ago. I want to call my family and talk to them about it but I’m afraid they’d tell me to let it go or get over it or something.
The day after would be tomorrow and that day is disgusting. I feel so dirty and ashamed still of what I did that day. A friend had invited me over , he said I needed to get out of the house and that he had something that would make me”feel good”. It was an outside substance. On the way to his house I made him stop at the liquor store, it was my fault I made him stop. I wanted to feel NO pain and that was my intention going into that afternoon with him. I got to his house and I started drinking, right away. When I say I didn’t want to feel ANY pain I mean like none I wanted to be number than numb. I had to use the restroom so I did and while I was washing my hands I noticed he had things in there that are “tools” to me. I didn’t think about using them because I had other things in my body that were starting to help with the pain. That night was my first blackout from alcohol that I remember. A movie was out on, the credits were rolling, I stood up and fell back down on the couch, I come to later sometime-when I realized where I was and I realized what I was doing I didn’t care because I was so numb I couldn’t talk very well, my words wouldn’t come out and I didn’t say “no” when I should have. Another blank amount of undetermined time and I come to again and when I realize what I’m doing something clicks in my mind and I jumped up and yelled a lot of profanity. I can’t even describe what I felt, just complete disgust with myself. I remembered the tools in the bathroom. This was the first and only time I went to self injure with the intent of suicide. Looking back, god intervened at this point. It’s very fuzzy but from what is in my memory I thought I was the scum of the earth I thought I could never forgive myself, i felt like i could never stop hurting myself with SI and alcohol and that i was hopelessly defeated by both, I felt completely taken advantage of but let it happen, I didn’t say NO, I let him!!! I am the one who was too intoxicated to move and to speak. With that, I ran to the bathroom to get those tools because I wanted to die. When I say god intervened its because they weren’t there. I searched high and low, slammed things around threw all his stuff around searching and he came in and told me he moved them and to calm down. I started punching him in the chest and begging for them and crying and he refused to tell me where they were and I was livid, and broken. This guy knew me well, he knew about my self injury and he said later he moved them because he remembered and he knew I was sad about my grandma. The night ended with me falling into his arms crying and blackout…woke up the next morning in my own bed and had to start my string of lies. I feel so ashamed still. I’ve talk about this with 5 different therapist and apparently I’m supposed to let it go, and apparently it’s not all my fault and I was taken advantage of. I haven’t let it go obviously, I try but it just haunts me. I hate him but he comforted me, He saved me from myself that night but he took advantage of me sexually and emotionally. There was some relief when I have talked to therapist about this and in detail that isn’t appropriate for this blog that I didn’t need to carry it anymore and that I wasn’t 100% to blame. In a way I’m glad it happened because it was a wake up call that I was out of control.